We have arrived at Part 5 of 6 in our reflection on Living the Gospel as a Way of Life by James R. Jones and Gabriel Meyer. The more I have reflected on the aspects of living the Gospel, the more I agree that “right speech” was the way to start. In these weeks, I have been noticing in myself the need to correct the way I speak to and about others. I have caught myself walking down dangerous roads in my speech about others and have had to take a moment and repent in my heart (other times I have had to move toward the confessional).
Today’s topic touches again on right speech and takes us into the heart of the Gospel. Saint Paul says that we are “ambassadors for Christ”: “as if God were appealing through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20). Jesus reconciles us to the Father and to one another and gives us a ministry of reconciliation. For those who have been hurt or have hurt others, reconciliation is a necessary and very difficult process. Let’s look at what Jones and Meyer have to say about this process.
Reconciliation will always be necessary because relationships in this world always involve fallen human beings. The question, though, is what are we going to do about these broken relationships. Jones and Meyer write:
Unless Christian groups of whatever size and complexion have clear, simple procedures in place for dealing with wrongdoing, and, more importantly, for reconciliation, for repairing relationships, and this as a fundamental part of daily life, they’ll quickly find themselves in serious, debilitating trouble—awash in quarrels, hurt, and alienation.
The word that really strikes me here is “daily”. What would it look like to have the daily practice of repairing broken relationships?
On Wednesday nights, the Church gives us this reading in the Liturgy of the Hours: “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). Every Wednesday when I read that I remember a Wednesday long ago, when I was in high school, and I had given a friend a piece of my mind late at night. Things did not go well, and we departed still in anger. Then I came in front of that passage…Was I giving room to the devil? Could I give up my anger before going to bed? It was not quite the days of late night text messaging (text messaging did not exist then), so I just had to put it in God’s hands. But to this day, on Wednesday nights, I think about that friend. And I learn my lesson, not to let the sun go down on my anger and to give no room to the devil.
Another practice of the Church at Night Prayer is to take a moment at the end of the day to bring that day into the Lord’s presence and examen our conscience. At Mount Angel Abbey in Oregon, the monks take to their knees at this moment at the end of the day. The Spanish Liturgy of the Hours that I own says “es muy de alabar” “it is very much to be praised”—this practice of repenting and turning to the Lord for forgiveness at the end of the day.
For some of us, maybe most of us, this turning to the Lord at the end of the day is the easy part. What about actually repairing relationships that have been damaged that day? Jones and Meyer speak about the joy of reconciliation: “The vision of relationships I’m proposing sees repentance—and, therefore, asking for and receiving forgiveness—as gifts God provides for His people, a resource through which evil can be undone and freedom restored.” Evil undone and freedom restored—this is the promise of reconciliation. But this work can often feel overwhelming, at least to me.
Why is it so hard to reconcile, to say “I hurt you and I’m sorry” or “You hurt me and I forgive you”? It often feels to me like a little death. I am never sure what is going to happen when I make myself that vulnerable. “Vulnerable” means “able to be wounded” (wounds in Latin are “vulnera”). Yet we can see how this little death, and the subsequent resurrection in the experience of forgiveness, take us to the heart of Christianity. By practicing this little mortification (death) every day, we learn to let go and see how God provides and surprises beyond our imagination.
How do we normally handle wrongdoing? Jones and Meyer claim, “As a whole, our culture trains us to handle wrongdoing in relationships through some form of indirection or evasion. This is a major practical challenge to the whole area of repairing relationships.” “Don’t worry!” “It’s okay.” “No big deal.” These are all ways that we avoid or evade the “vulnera”, or at least pretend to avoid and evade them.
But the problem with handling wrongdoing in this way is that the sin, either committed or suffered, causes real damage, real “hindrances to love”.
They can not only leave mistrust behind them, but they can also arouse our deepest fears about loving and being loved, about trusting other people and being trustworthy, and cause us to hesitate to take the risks of love that are the heart of Christian life.
The risks of love—that is what it is all about. Jesus takes the ultimate risk on the Cross, “Into your hands, Father, I commend my spirit,” and the Father raises Him from the dead and opens for us the path to Paradise. When we just gloss over wrongdoing (Jones and Meyer call this the “myth of invulnerability”), we are less likely to take the risk of love in the future. As I write this, I am thinking about a relationship where I need to address a wrongdoing and where I am tempted just to let things go. The problem, and I can already see it in my heart, is that this inability to address the wrongdoing has already worked its effect of making me hesitate to risk in that relationship. This is hard work!
The promise of reconciliation, though, for those who take the risk of vulnerability, the risk of love, is a more loving and free life: “through taking responsibility for our actions, we become instruments of God’s grace in each other’s lives—instruments of freedom and transformation.” This is what Saint Paul was saying in 2 Corinthians 5:20. God appeals through us to the heart of others to be reconciled, to know the joy of forgiveness.
Jones and Meyer give a simple procedure that I challenge myself, and all of you, to try in our lives: honesty, renunciation, and reconciliation.
“Repentance begins with honesty—admitting wrongdoing, and taking and acknowledging personal responsibility for our behavior.” The simple formula for this is “I did this.” Sometimes it is not clear to us what we did to offend the other person. In this case, we have to do some investigating. “What did I do?” A card that some people play, that makes the process of reconciliation harder, is to close up at this point. When we don’t let people know what they did wrong, there is no opportunity for reconciliation. We have to learn the naive boldness of children: “This hurt me.” I am not sure what is harder, admitting that we hurt someone or confronting someone who hurt us. I guess a lot of that depends on our personality, but I find the second one much harder. I’d often rather not “bother” someone with my hurt.
“The second step in repentance is renunciation—identifying the act, pattern, or attitude as wrong and committing ourselves to change in the area.” Committing to change is a step of good faith; it tells the other person that I am more than the sin I have committed and will take concrete steps to root out this behavior. I remember a moment as a child when I told someone that I didn’t care if they were sorry for the thousandth time they hurt me but that I wanted them to commit to change. It was rather harsh, but I think it was an accurate assessment of the situation. This person was sorry but nothing was changing. How sorry could they really be?
What if someone cannot commit to change? This can sometimes mean that a relationship cannot be repaired. When there is no honesty or no commitment to change, we might have to let go of the relationship. That sucks! But we pray that one day all things will be reconciled in Christ and try not to hold on to the hurt, so that one day, in the Kingdom, we may embrace each other again. I sometimes pray on this: What am I going to say when I see that person in heaven? How awkward is it going to be? Is there something I can do now to let go of the hurt so that future reconciliation will be full of joy and not shame?
The last step outlined in the simple process for reconciliation is reconciliation itself. We are honest about what we have done, we commit to change, and we ask for forgiveness. Jones and Meyer say, “Life affords abundant proof of the life and healing that asking for forgiveness can bring to relationship, but that doesn’t mean that it is ever easy to do.” But if we can get over the awkwardness, there is a beautiful power in actually asking for forgiveness. “Will you forgive me?” Don’t give the other person a chance to say “No big deal.” The correct response to someone’s request for forgiveness is a simple, straightforward “I forgive you”. That question and that response are like an explosion of grace in the world and in our communities. The Gospel works!
There is one last step that does not always apply but that Jones and Meyer point out: restitution. How can we make up for the wrong we have done? If we have damaged someone’s reputation, we can try to speak well about that person and apologize to those who heard our damaging words. If we stole from someone’s dignity in some way, we can find ways to show them what we think of them.
But I think the greatest restitution that we can make is the witness of the joy of forgiveness. When we can show our friends, our family, our community, that we have worked through our difference or that we have repented of a wrongdoing or that we are actually closer friends now after the reconciliation—in short, that it is worth it—then we are bringing the Kingdom of Christ more clearly into this world.
One of my favorite questions to ask about the faith is not “What do we believe?” or “How should I behave?”—even if these questions are very important—but “Where is it happening?” Where does Christianity happen? I think the clearest sign of resurrection power in our world is the explosion of life that comes through the process of reconciliation. It is a simple call to the world to try it out, to see if Jesus really does raise people from the dead, if in the place of death life reigns instead.
Where is the Gospel happening? In my life, if I learn to forgive and be forgiven.